That a Baguette in Your Pocket, Or Was it Just That Kind of Movie?

Only a couple days ago, I had posted a complex rant about Panera Bread and their likely contribution to America’s excessive consumption of salt ladened bread. Now, here we are smack in the middle of National French Bread Day!

The thing is, I don’t know if we’re talking about baguettes here, or the old pain de campagne, which is that wider, top circumcised variety.  Of course, the main difference is that once you buy a baguette, that bread is on borrowed time. The best thing I have found to do with a baguette is to immediately sneak it into a movie theater and eat it during the show.  How do you sneak in a baguette, you might wonder?  You thought sneaking beer in was fun?  That’s nothing!

The best way to play it is to just walk in holding it out for all to see.  They don’t know what to do! Sure there’s a “no outside food policy,” but it’s also a 3-yards long piece of bread in a paper sack, so it’s really awkward.  If they do tell you that you can’t bring it in, it’s worth the price of admission just to see the guy squirm when you say, “Alright, then I’ll need you to hold this for me while I’m in the theater.”  At that point you might as well have just farted, because there it gets super awkward.

The Messiest Theater Food There Is

The baguette also makes a serious mess, very crummy.  The only thing I’ve found that’s worse for eating at the movies, and harder to sneak in,  is a big bag of raw peanuts.  That is the ultimate mess!  Usually I’m one of those weirdos who sits through the credits at the end of a movie, but if I’ve devoured a baguette or a bag of peanuts, you can bet your butt that I’m zipping out even before the teenagers!

The French are pretty serious about their bread.  Bakeries are a big deal, and you’ve got to have one, or several, if  your town is going to be taken seriously at all.  At least I have to assume that’s the case because in Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast,” bread and bakeries were featured fairly prominently.

Although not originally a “French Bread,” baguettes became a big deal when France, a place that actually began enacting health laws regarding their bread back in the 1920’s, passed a law restricting baking before 4AM.  This meant that you wouldn’t be able to have a good loaf of French bread prepared for breakfast by 6-7AM. so baguettes were the quick fix because they take almost no time to make.

Eat Within 5-minutes... Or Else!

Of course they get stiff and not so fresh real quick, so they had to make twice as many, but that suited the bakers fine, even if it did not necessarily suit their customers so much.

Well, French bread or baguettes… they’re basically the same, soft on the inside, hard on the outside, one’s more easy to make sandwiches out of, the other is to too easy to devour out of snacky desperation… Happy French Bread Day Everyone!

See you Friday for National Chips and Dip Day… I can’t promise I’m not just going to link to a previous post.

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About Jim Clark

"If it was worth doing, then it is worth writing!" -- Jim Clark -- Someone else probably said that before, and I'm sure that each semester she starts her Creative Writing 101 class by writing it on the board, but I never took that lady's class so I am taking her quote! I work in the world of advertising, but I write for a living. Here in the second decade of the '00s, we find ourselves in a culture where virtually everyone writes for a living. With all the clicking and clacking on Facebook, Twitter, emails and texts, our lives are more than ever intertwined with writing. At the same time, it's also become increasingly more important to shorten our thoughts down to as few characters as possible. So, now, more than ever, I think it's also important to hold a place in our lives for expanding and honing our thoughts through writing. This is my place for that.
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3 Responses to That a Baguette in Your Pocket, Or Was it Just That Kind of Movie?

  1. jannatwrites says:

    The crunchy crust is messy, but slightly warmed with butter and I’m up for the challenge! (of eating it without getting crumbs all over the place…not “sneaking” it into a theater.)

    • Jim Clark says:

      So, I’m hearing you say “Challenge accepted!” Of course you don’t have to sneak it into the theater (although you’re missing out), but you should technically still eat it over your lap in the dark. You know, just to be fair.

      • jannatwrites says:

        Perhaps I could make it even more interesting and eat in the dark, over my lap…on the couch. Yes, so the dogs can drive me nuts with their ceaseless quest to find the goodies between the cushions long after the baguette is gone. There’s fun to be had by all 🙂

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