Twizzlers have ruined liquorice. If it’s not black, it’s just not liquorice, Dammit! Look, I don’t mind stating right here and now that I’m forty years old, and you can trust me on that count because I’ve been declaring it for what’s going on four years now. No, it’s not like that! I don’t average down. It has always been my contention that if forty is so awful for everyone else who has previously encountered it, and if age is “just a number,” I’ll just get used to how the number sounds coming out of my mouth way before the actual date hits so that it will sound normal when it’s real.
What was the point in all that, you’re asking? Really? You have to ask? Jeesh! The point was that everyone knows that only old people like real liquorice, and I happen to like liquorice. Ok, whoops and nope! That was actually not the point I was trying to make. That one went towards the point of that second statement which immediately distracted me the moment I thought of it from the first statement. The real point was that actual liquorice is not red! Those damn Twizzlers made the whole thing weird. That red cherry crap is just sugar, colored red, and then made to be liquorice shaped. Before Twizzlers came along, no one ever even spoke the words, “I don’t like black liquorice,” because black liquorice was (and technically still is) all there was.
Liquorice is a treat that has been around for centuries, and the flavor of actual liquorice has truly always been more similar to the flavor that Twizzlers guises as “black” liquorice, even though what they portray to be black Twizzlers has no actual liquorice in the mixture at all. Actual “black” liquorice has been a snack, a dessert, and a great breath freshener since ancient Egypt. Still today, a breath mint called Sen-Sen, that’s been around since the early 1900’s, claims to have a “secret ingredient” that has a striking similarity to an excessively condensed liquorice.
Look, I’m not trying to get all down on Twizzlers fans. Twizzlers have always been gross to me, but I understand that taste buds work differently in different mouthes. Everyone grabs a handful of jelly beans, but only a handful of us don’t pick out the black ones. It sounds bigoted, but it is what it is.
So, now that I think I’ve sufficiently segregated Twizzlers from actual liquorice, I am happy to report that I was able to find a delicious chocolate covered liquorice today that made it hard not to devour the whole glorious bag! These things were like liquorice that were wrapped inside of a Tootsie Roll, and to top it all off, they were on sale for only sixty-nine cents per bag at Walgreens.
Just for kicks, I ate a Twizzlers today. You saw it there at the top. It was just too big a coincidence that someone had plopped a giant bag of them out in a common area at work on National Liquorice Day. It made me want to vomit when I ate it, but I did it.
See you Friday for National Peach Cobbler Day