HAMMIT, National Food Holidays Just Aren’t Kosher!

Today is National Baked Ham and Pineapple Day, so for those of you who are playing at home, that’s three doses of ham in three days that this National Food Day list has nailed me with.  Sunday wasn’t so bad, I had a sandwich.  Normally, it would have been turkey, but I don’t mind substituting with ham.  Yesterday, there was Canadian bacon under that poached egg and all that hollandaise sauce, something my stomach had to wrestle with most of the rest of the day.  Now, today we’re just talking about a big ass hunk of ham… with a side of ham greased pineapple slice ta boot!

This pineapple and pig combination, I know it has its origins in Hawaii, and that’s real exotic and everything, but what is it about a pig carcass that the Hawaiian culture feels the need to desecrate it with fruit?  And why do they serve the pineapple with the meat?  I ever see anyone popping the apple out of a roasted pig’s mouth and slice that thing up, so why is it so different to serve up the meat soaked pineapple?  Oh, and how about these pineapple and ham pizza eaters?  What is story on these guys?  Pineapple and ham pizza people describe their affinity for it in terms of “love.”  Love for a meat lovers pizza, I get.  Fresh garlic and roasted tomatoes with a bit of fresh ricotta, sure! Ham and pineapple chunks?  Why would you do that?  I mean, why would you?

There was a lot of research today on my computer concerning over indulging in ham.  Everything in moderation, right?  The excessive desserts on the list had been a little bit of a point of contention already, because the sweets were really piling up at home, that is until I started depositing them in the food Bermuda Triangle at work.  But, ham everyday?  Can that be good?  I found several theories about too much ham causing cancer, especially in children, but upon closer inspection, those articles were either referring to salty cold cuts in general, or ham radio operators.  Nothing’s real in cancer studies anyway.  I’m not even super confident about this habit I’ve developed of excessively applying liquid aluminum to my underarms isn’t the thing that’s going to finishing me off.

Alright, so I ate the stupid ham.  Don’t think I did anything special to get it done, though.  This is what I did to pull off today.  I bought a five dollar Boar’s Head ham steak.  I bought a three dollar canister of pineapple.  I sliced off a piece of the pineapple, slapped it on the ham steak, stuck it in my toaster oven for 20 minutes while I went for a jog, came back and ate the thing with a cup of yogurt on the side.  Baked ham, pineapple, lunch.  Done! Ok, I didn’t eat all of the pineapple. I don’t feel bad, though.  In three days it’s National Pineapple Upside-down Cake Day, and then in four more, it’s National Pigs in a Blanket Day.  Oye!

See you Wednesday for National Cheese Ball Day! 

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About Jim Clark

"If it was worth doing, then it is worth writing!" -- Jim Clark -- Someone else probably said that before, and I'm sure that each semester she starts her Creative Writing 101 class by writing it on the board, but I never took that lady's class so I am taking her quote! I work in the world of advertising, but I write for a living. Here in the second decade of the '00s, we find ourselves in a culture where virtually everyone writes for a living. With all the clicking and clacking on Facebook, Twitter, emails and texts, our lives are more than ever intertwined with writing. At the same time, it's also become increasingly more important to shorten our thoughts down to as few characters as possible. So, now, more than ever, I think it's also important to hold a place in our lives for expanding and honing our thoughts through writing. This is my place for that.
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