Heaven is Like a Mustard Seed (8/5)

“Heaven is like a mustard seed.” — Jesus Christ (Mathew 13:31-32)

How many condiments can stake claim to a full endorsement by Jesus Christ himself? Just one, baby! Fabulous, wonderous mustard!  Not as universally used as mayonnaise, not as universally accepted as ketchup, but certainly more specifically required than most other condiments. What else are you putting on a soft pretzel at a ball game? How many other condiments could you possibly require for a beer brat? And you want to talk variety? You’ve got your standard yellow, your brown and Dijon. Just add honey to that Dijon mustard, and suddenly you’ve got honey dijon.”What?” Yep, it’s absolutely real! Mustard comes mild sweet and spicy. It comes yellow, and it comes brown… wait, I already went over the colors. Well, you’ve also got… alright, well that’s about all of them, but still it’s got more options than mayonnaise or ketchup.

More mustard and you won’t miss mayonaise

Another fantastic plus side of mustard is that compared to mayonnaise, this stuff is practically healthy!  1-tablespoon of mayonnaise can contain up to 100 calories. Mustard on the other hand is calorie heavy if it’s got five. Many have yet to really explore this condiment outside of the standard yellow. That’s understandable, it’s the cheapest and the most available. Even though I do exclusively use yellow mustard on my soft pretzels, in all other occasions, the brown and spicy are my absolutely fantastic delights. I’ve actually come to a place where I don’t use mayonnaise on my sandwiches at all anymore. A full slathering of mustard on a sandwich, and who could miss it? Sometimes I even find myself licking the spoon.

National Mustard Day is actually real, although it is not really today. It was on Saturday, August 4th. It always falls on the first Saturday of August. The food list I’ve subscribed to, however, does this a lot. Most recently it messed up National Ice Cream Day. The real National Mustard Day is majorly acknowledged and celebrated, though. The National Mustard Museum, in Middleton, Wisconsin makes a huge deal of the day. At this year’s festival, Grey Poupon sponsored a stage that hosted bands such as “The Red Hot Horn Dogs,” there were free Klements brats give aways, and there was even an appearance by the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile! I’ve seen it twice, by the way, and it is a delight! One of the times was here in Tallahassee last year. It just drove on by like it’s not unique. The other time was in Knoxville,Tennessee while I was beveraging outside at a bar. It pulled right up and started giving away whistles shaped like itself! If I hadn’t had only four beers at the time, I would have had a hard time believing it was reality.

Real quick, since we’re in the South, let’s also pay a bit of homage to mustard greens, a great zingy alternative to spinach or collards. Since my wife is kosher, I’ve found that a really good way to cook them is in a light beef broth with onions, garlic and turkey bacon. If they’re done right, you won’t have any nutrtional value left, but you will have porkless deliciousness. Actually, I take that back. A little bit of potassium should still make it into your blood, so that’s pretty good.

See you Monday for National Rootbeer Float Day!

About Jim Clark

"If it was worth doing, then it is worth writing!" -- Jim Clark -- Someone else probably said that before, and I'm sure that each semester she starts her Creative Writing 101 class by writing it on the board, but I never took that lady's class so I am taking her quote! I work in the world of advertising, but I write for a living. Here in the second decade of the '00s, we find ourselves in a culture where virtually everyone writes for a living. With all the clicking and clacking on Facebook, Twitter, emails and texts, our lives are more than ever intertwined with writing. At the same time, it's also become increasingly more important to shorten our thoughts down to as few characters as possible. So, now, more than ever, I think it's also important to hold a place in our lives for expanding and honing our thoughts through writing. This is my place for that.
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