Happy National Bologna Day! (10/24)

It has been stated for the record on several occasions that the National Food Holidays listed on www.statessymbols.org are mostly completely unsubstantiated fabrications. Now here we are with a National Food Holiday that is literally full of bologna! It’s National Bologna Day.

Bologna is certainly one of the more obnoxious foods that we find ourselves no longer eating after age thirteen. I certainly had not had a slice of bologna since around that time, if not earlier. It’s weird, the last time I had a bologna sandwich, I’m pretty sure, was at home. It was what I would make when there was nothing else in the fridge, and no one was available to make me anything else. My bologna sandwich was always the same simple construction. It consisted of a slice of Oscar Meyer’s, a slice of American cheese, and a spread of mayonnaise on two slices of white bread. Growing up, I probably made over a hundred bologna sandwiches this way, yet in all that time, I never once wondered what was in that flesh-colored piece of meat.

Look at this ridiculous thing.

A slice of bologna has always looked to me like a hot dog that has been completely unraveled. Today, I come to find out that the reason for that is that there really is not much difference between a hot dog and bologna, since bologna is by definition a sausage. It’s made with the same disgustingly ambiguous ingredients as all other hot dogs and sausages you’ll find. It’s some pork and/or cow parts mixed with some seasonings, all of which are mixed up together till it’s not quite meat and not quite paste, then it’s smoked, cured, and shoved into an intestinal lining. Bologna is high in calories, high in fat and high in sodium, and is quite probably one of the worst things I’ll eat all month, and that’s saying a lot because I just bought a gallon of pumpkin pie ice cream, and Halloween is in one week.

Still, it’s National Bologna Day, so I gotta suck it up and suck it down. I didn’t want to have to buy a pack of it, because it would never get eaten after today in my house, but I truthfully didn’t even know if I could buy it in a sandwich. When I looked up at the sandwich menu in Publix’s sandwich line, however, there it was. A “Deluxe,” it turns out, is made with ham, bologna and salami. Of course, the woman behind the counter had to go over to the deli side to cut some “fresh” bologna for me because the Deluxe apparently is not a very big seller. It also wasn’t quite what I remembered. Not terrible. Then again, it was a little different from the last one I had. This one was made with spicy mustard, lettuce, tomato, peppers and swiss cheese on a wheat hoagie roll. I think, maybe, If I could have had bologna this way when I was a kid, I would have eaten it until I was at least fourteen.

Alright, well Happy Bologna Day. Now I’ve got to either go running or go barf, so
I’ll see you Friday for National Mincemeat Day.  


About Jim Clark

"If it was worth doing, then it is worth writing!" -- Jim Clark -- Someone else probably said that before, and I'm sure that each semester she starts her Creative Writing 101 class by writing it on the board, but I never took that lady's class so I am taking her quote! I work in the world of advertising, but I write for a living. Here in the second decade of the '00s, we find ourselves in a culture where virtually everyone writes for a living. With all the clicking and clacking on Facebook, Twitter, emails and texts, our lives are more than ever intertwined with writing. At the same time, it's also become increasingly more important to shorten our thoughts down to as few characters as possible. So, now, more than ever, I think it's also important to hold a place in our lives for expanding and honing our thoughts through writing. This is my place for that.
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