No matter how big the fan, no one would ever be able to truthfully make the claim, “Man, that guacamole looks good!” This is primarily because guacamole looks really gross! Look, if you like eating guacamole, I’m om your side, man! It does taste awesome. It’s just gross, like something that Oliver or Annie would have been forced to eat in their orphanages.
Of course, guacamole is made from avocados, which is also a funky little fruit. Thing’s got a giant pit, and all around the pit is this weird mushy green meat that has just enough flavor to make people think, “Well, maybe if I added some salt, pepper and… I don’t know, lemon? Salsa? That might be good.”
Growing up, we had two avocado trees in the backyard. One of them was prolific of the fruit, but the other, for the first three years of our residency, was completely barren. My mother, was a huge fan of the bland, green, weird fruit, as well as a huge fan of being the master of her yard, so a fruit tree that did not produce would never stand, literally.
That third July, when the second avocado tree again failed to produce a single avocado, while at the same time, it’s very full and fruity companion was busting them out by the dozens, my father, brother and I looked out the back window on a Sunday, as my mother walked out to the overly leafed tree. She was wielding an axe. We watched her gesture at the tree with axe, touching it against the trunk several times during the conversation, and then, very calmly she walked back to the house, through the garage, and reentered the house, no longer holding the axe.
When we inquired as to what had just happened, she told us, very plainly, that she had given the tree an ultimatum. It had one more season. Either make with the fruit, or it was timber.
— Now, before I finish, I feel it very important that I tell you that this story is 100% unabridged or embellished. Seriously, this is how it went down—
Do you know that the very next year, that completely useless avocado tree outproduced its counterpart by almost double? Story’s absolutely true! My mom could be quite intimidating.
Hey, before I close, here’s a fun thing to do on National Guacamole Day. Go to a fast food drive through with a friend or spouse, Taco Bell is best, but McDonald’s or Wendy’s can sometimes be even more fun. When it comes time for your companion to order, shout out “with guacamole” after every item they order. It’s great fun in two ways. It frustrates your friend, and if you’re not at Taco Bell, it severely confuses the attendant.
See you Thursday for National Spicy Hermit Cookie Day.